Painting My Canvas

Do you remember when you were little, when someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up? What would you say?

I recently asked my favorite 4 year old this question and got a vast array of answers including a shop owner and a ballerina. How did your answer line up with what you actually did with your life? Probably not at all right? ...Me either.

After I figured out what I actually wanted to do with my life, like REALLY do with my life, it has been an uphill battle to achieve it. I remember thinking as a child that I could do anything, ANYTHING, with my life. But as I grew, self-consciousness, doubt and sometimes reality set in. I quickly discovered I would have to change my plans.

But just for a moment, put yourself back in your Sam & Libby's and just dream. Dream of all the things you dreamt of being.

Along with being an Egyptian archaeologist (tehe), my list included: wife, mother, Christian, and friend. Although these traits weren't always spoken, I always knew I wanted them to be implemented in my life.

Life's experiences have molded me in ways I never dreamed. Not always for the better. I can honestly say after somewhat of a bumpy road, that I am putting all that I have into pursuing a career for myself. But sometimes I look at me and can't say that I have been putting a whole lot of effort into the other things I want. What about all the things I just thought I would be when I got older. Things that would just happen automatically. What about charity, thoughtfulness, poise, health? When I was young, I definitely pictured all of these for myself. Why did I ever think I would have it so together? How could it be that life seemed to be so easy to figure out and that possibilities were endless?

Recently there have been some really hard things to come up that my family and I are dealing with. Things that make you look at your life so critically and just make you think, "man, what is going on?" Things that make you doubt who you are, even what you stand for. Things that make you ashamed. I have been finding it so very easy to let myself wallow in self pity. The things I haven't yet accomplished in my life keep coming up to haunt me every day. I can't say I've been particularly happy with myself.

But luckily, I know there is a God. I know that there is hope in Him. I know that He works things out in His own time and that the ultimate plan for my life is in His grasp. I know that because I am His, my life can't be as messed up as it seems right now. I know that every mistake I have made in the past and every tear I have shed are just minor compared to how many blessings He has given me.

The picture above is of a 7 year old's hands finishing what looks to us like meandering lines and a scribbly paint job piece of art. But to me, that's what is beautiful about it. Depending on who is looking at it, those lines could take shape to be anything at all. Anything you want it to be. Just like my life.

Just because I haven't accomplished many of the things I thought I would have accomplished by now doesn't mean I can overlook all the things I have. I can't let all the things that get me down keep me from accomplishing the goals I haven't reached yet. Even though I'm 26, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm still a little girl being asked what she wants to be someday. And that's ok. Because as I keep growing, I'm going to set new goals for myself. God will take my life in ways that I may not plan. In this life, I will never be "finished."

So at risk of loosing you in my ever winding thoughts, I will end here.

"For you have been my hope, O sovereign Lord,

my confidence since my youth."

Ps. 71:5

Love,

Liv